Finally gotten the strength to blog. And its gonna be an emotional one. Been wanting to blog about this, and finally found the right time. Here I am, lying on my bed and typing through my phone. Its gonna be a tearful entry for sure and I just dont wanna burst in front of my family. So lets keep it low this way.
Bismillahirrahmaanirrahiim...
24th December 2012,
A date I'll never forget,
Its when one of my loved ones,
Was called by Him forever.
It was so sudden. It was unexpected. Although nenek has been ill for the past two years and were taken care of by bibik, I'd never thought that she'll leave us this soon.
Lately, she has been behaving unusually. And we all knew that her time is near. Everyone started to visit and seek forgiveness from her but me. Cos I dont have the strength to do that. I'll cry the moment I look at her. I just love her so much I can't stand seeing her in pain. Hence why the reluctance in having a heart-to-heart talk with her. Cos i just can't bear to. Until she left us on Monday, 1.19pm, eve of Christmas, at KTPH.
On that day, the initial plan was to go orchard with the gfs, but it got cancelled. Then, I decided to bake cupcakes in the afternoon and get both muses to come over at my place since everyone's not home (parents working, brother at cousin's, nenek & bibik at KTPH). But suddenly I got the urge to visit nenek, since I didnt visit her the day before. Immediately, I just bathed and get myself ready to visit her when suddenly ibu called saying that nenek's in a critical stage. The moment that was said, I felt guilty and scared and asdfghjkl I dont know how to describe my feelings. I dont want to think much, and ended up crying while putting on my hijab. Then I rushed to the hospital.
The moment I stepped into nenek's ward, I cried like nobody's business. Seeing her wrapped in wires and tapes, with her weal condition, just pains me. And whenever this happens, I just can't utter a single word but cry. I hold her hands and just cry, cry and cry. Actually I should seek for forgiveness and thank her cos I know that might be her last moments of living, but I just can't. Nenek just looked at me with an unusual, lovey look. Full of serenity although I know she's in pain. And she said this: "Kenapa nangis? Janganlah sedih..." And that made cried even harder.
I said: "Kakak sedih tengok nenek macam gini..." and cryyyy. I sat by her bed and cry.
Few minutes after, my uncle came and ask me to eat. Hence, without thinking, with teary eyes, I just went down to the food court to get my lunch, without saying salam to my nenek. I thought nenek would be okay cos she's still talking to me and bibik and uncle as per normal. I thought that I'll be back shortly after eating to sit with her again.
But, things happened so fast. When I was almost done with my meal, I received a call from ibu. She was crying.
"Kakak, nenek dah nazak tau.. Tolong bacakan talkin dekat telinga nenek.."
But I was abit unsure about the 'nazak' part cos she was talking to us normally minutes ago. So, to calm my mum, I said: "Ibu...relax. Tadi nenek berbual macam biasa lah. Ibu just relax and quickly come here okay."
But still, I was scared. I start thinking of weird stuff. Then I rushed back to nenek's ward, planning to talkin and recite yaasin beside her.
When I reached the ward, I started crying again. Nurses and doctors were surrounding her bed. My uncle was reciting something. Nenek's breathing was supported by the machine and her heartbeat was beating slow. The think I could do was cry upon seeing her like this. Minutes ago, she was talking to me in her soft tone but now, she was very weak. I hold her head and whispered "Lailaahailallah.." a few times before calming bibik as she was unstable at that point of time. Moment after, after seeing the doctors and nurses going in and out, they finally confirmed that nenek is no longer with us.... That was the saddest part. During that moment, I start to reminisce on all the beautiful moments with her. She stayed with me since i was a baby till 18 years old. Can you imagine? She took care of me. Entertain my nonsence and everything. She splurged her money on me and adik. She pampered us. She's the best grandmother anyone could ever ask for, I swear. She's the kindest and most patient person I've known. I love her.
I try to calm myself down. Even ibu, being the closest one with her, didnt get the chance to be with her during her last minutes in the world. When Ibu finally arrived from work, she couldnt controlled herself when we announced on nenek's death. That, saddens me too. The people who were around during nenek's nazak period were uncle mat, bibik, pak uda, jannah, adik, syafiq and me. The first time for me to witness this. And the very first time for me to lose someone I love so much, someone that I'm close with.
Ayah and uncle arranged the pengebumian and Alhamdulillah, all went smoothly. Nenek's jenazah was buried safely and smoothly by Monday evening.
And Allah made it easy for us and nenek. Everything seems so easy and the nenek's face was just....Beautiful. Can see the nuur (light/cahaya) and beauty...and that she left us in peace. Alhamdulillah. She's a kind person. Semoga nenek ditempatkan bersama orang-orang yang beriman, aameen.
These few days were a bit tough for me and ibu and even bibik.
Me, cos I'm te closest cucu. I sleep in the same room as her. I see her everyday. Just abit disappointed as I wasnt as close to her when bibik took care of her cos bibik was the one whom always with her. Hence ni space for me :(
Ibu, cos she's the only daughter and the one who took care and live with nenek since forever also.
Bibik, cos she was the closest to her during her ill period, which is almost 2 years.
Everytime I wanna sleep at night, I'll imagine her lying on her bed. Her talking to me. Asking me whether I've eaten or not. She's the most concern person I've ever known. Always asking people to eat even when she's very ill. I've been crying every night after she left us, feeling guilty on those wrong deeds I've done towards her. Last time, when she was still actie, I an be a bit demanding, asking her to so this and that for me and she never complains. I truly miss those moments when she woke up at 5am every morning without fail and make us tea before we leave for school (eventhough sometimes i didnt touch the tea cos i was late).
When I got back from school, I'll shout for her and she'll open the door for me. Her presence will truly be missed. Truly be missed. The house feels empty without her. Now, I learn the term of appreciating. Sometimes, we dont appreciate them when they're around but now, we truly regret and want them back. Exactly what I'm feeling. If i knew she's gonna leave us this soon, i'll definitely stand beside her 24hours and make her happy and feel loved. But Allah has planned all these ns all we can do is to redha with whats fated. Everything happens for a reason. May this be a lesson to me, and teach me to treat tokmak fairly after this, since she's the only grandparent I'm left with now.
I truly miss her. She never burdened anyone...till the day of her death. :')
When she had her first fall 2years back and was admitted, one of those days, i had a conflict with my parents. I sulked. Usually I'll turn to nenek to tell her everything but since she's admitted, I went to visit her alone and 'ngadu' to her and cried. She pujuk and usap me. And nasihat me all that. I miss all those. When bibik came , I didnt have the chance to sit and talk and ngadu to her cos bibik is always with her. I do feel jealous at times but I know its her responsibility to take care of nenek. Thats when I became not so close with nenek and didnt interact much with her. Around 1 year ago. Luckily its just 1/18 of my life.
Its 11:18 pm already. As usual, I'm crying, thinking about nenek. I'm sure ibu's crying too in her room. Four days had passed since nenek left us. And everything in this house reminds me of her. May Allah make it easy for me insyaAllah. Allahu musta'an.
Lastly, I really hope that I'll never stop praying for nenek till my last day. And I hope that I'll change into a better person aameen.
Kakak rindu sangat pat nenek. Semoga nenek tenang di sana. Aameen Ya Rabb.
